Anxiety and Regrets: Embrace Regret
I wasn’t a good enough basketball player to play college ball at the University of St. Thomas. I wasn’t recruited and came from a small town in Colorado. While I was the starting point guard at our high school and won most valuable team player, our team was awful. So, I had no credentials and had to prove my game on the court. At the end of the third week of tryouts during my sophomore year (I was cut my freshman year), I ended up in the hospital for pneumonia further complicated by dehydration. I had lost over 30 lbs of water weight. This may sound crazy to a normal and healthy thinking athlete; but, I was so consumed by the goal that my food and water consumption decreased. The cause? Anxiety.
I was so anxious about failure that I failed. As I’ve written in a previous blog, I remain grateful to my friend Rene Rodriguez and my mentor Von Sheppard for pushing me and encouraging me (and Rene helping me to fix my jump shot) to get all I could out of my skills.
Since that time of not making it (and subsequent ankle injuries prevented trying out my third year), I’ve been able to embrace this failure as a great learning experience. And, I gave my goal everything I had without regret, well with one small exception. In general, I view my failed but passionate and determined effort combined with my love of the game a great success.
Is living without regrets a way to live a healthy life? Actually, NO! I have some regrets and not drinking enough water during college basketball tryouts is one of those (albeit, a very small regret compared to the bigger and more important regrets of life). On aside, I wasn’t good enough to play even if I was fully hydrated (and free of ankle problems), although my love for the game has always remained.
There tends to be two schools of thought on regret. On one side, you have the idea of valuing regret. People have thoughts such as: I regret a lot (or some) of my actions. I wish I could live parts of my life over. I think “if only” a lot (or sometimes). And, then there are those thoughts for people who are determined to not have regret. They might think thoughts such as: I prefer to focus on the future than the past. I rarely think what “might have been.” I like to approach life with “no regrets.” In a study of 370 adult Americans who responded to these types of items (regret versus no regret), regret was strongly associated with increased anxiety and arousal (Roese et al, 2009). This partly explains why people avoid owning their regret, it can be anxiety producing. This is why Step 4 in 12 step groups (AA, NA, GA, etc), taking an inventory of our lives, is so difficult. Facing our own demons can be a daunting dilemma. Do I dig in or do I distract myself in the technology of today?
So, regret is accompanied with anxiety. And, an important facet of anxiety treatment is embracing anxiety in order to build tolerance. Embracing regret has that same effect, but it builds another valuable strength -- it builds wisdom.
People who have lived life know that there are psychological benefits of regret including learning from experience (Epstude & Roese, 2008). If you have 16 minutes, check out one of my favorite TED talks by Kathryn Schulz who gave a talk in November, 2011 titled Don’t regret regret.
Regret is often expressed as a desire to go back and change a past experience. I’ve talked with husbands who abused their wives, registered sex offenders, and 90 plus year olds who reflected on their many decades of life. Regret is a consistent aspect of life experience that is either owned with honesty or ignored and suppressed. Those who own it come across as authentic.
People with different types of anxiety reveal different types of regret. It is common for individuals with PTSD to have survivor guilt, and it is usually related to some form of regret. I’ll never forget talking to a man in his early 20’s whose fiancé died in his lap after they were hit by a semi truck. He had regret about his driving that he was convinced could have resulted in a different outcome. Or, a Vietnam Veteran tells his story of how his peer was shot by a sniper when he left his guard post to smoke a cigarette. Individuals struggling with social anxiety regret “not being the friendly one when I was in high school, reaching out to those who could be friends with me. My avoidance started a pattern.” Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder regret “not finding a way to manage my worries earlier.” These types of regret are real, rich, authentic, and meaningful life experience.
You have all heard it, “live life without regret.” The behavioral aspect of that phrase is true- don’t do something you will later regret. However, the cognitive aspect of “no regrets” gets de-emphasized. I say, embrace regret! Live a life with regret!
Epstude, K, & Roese, N. J. (2008). The functional theory of counterfactual thinking. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 12, 168-192.
Roese, N. J., Epstude, K., Fessel, F., Morrison, M., Smallman, R., Summerville, A., Galinsky, A. D., Segerstrom, S. (2009). Repetitive regret, depression, and anxiety: Findings from a nationally representative survey. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 6, 671-688.
I wasn’t a good enough basketball player to play college ball at the University of St. Thomas. I wasn’t recruited and came from a small town in Colorado. While I was the starting point guard at our high school and won most valuable team player, our team was awful. So, I had no credentials and had to prove my game on the court. At the end of the third week of tryouts during my sophomore year (I was cut my freshman year), I ended up in the hospital for pneumonia further complicated by dehydration. I had lost over 30 lbs of water weight. This may sound crazy to a normal and healthy thinking athlete; but, I was so consumed by the goal that my food and water consumption decreased. The cause? Anxiety.
I was so anxious about failure that I failed. As I’ve written in a previous blog, I remain grateful to my friend Rene Rodriguez and my mentor Von Sheppard for pushing me and encouraging me (and Rene helping me to fix my jump shot) to get all I could out of my skills.
Since that time of not making it (and subsequent ankle injuries prevented trying out my third year), I’ve been able to embrace this failure as a great learning experience. And, I gave my goal everything I had without regret, well with one small exception. In general, I view my failed but passionate and determined effort combined with my love of the game a great success.
Is living without regrets a way to live a healthy life? Actually, NO! I have some regrets and not drinking enough water during college basketball tryouts is one of those (albeit, a very small regret compared to the bigger and more important regrets of life). On aside, I wasn’t good enough to play even if I was fully hydrated (and free of ankle problems), although my love for the game has always remained.
There tends to be two schools of thought on regret. On one side, you have the idea of valuing regret. People have thoughts such as: I regret a lot (or some) of my actions. I wish I could live parts of my life over. I think “if only” a lot (or sometimes). And, then there are those thoughts for people who are determined to not have regret. They might think thoughts such as: I prefer to focus on the future than the past. I rarely think what “might have been.” I like to approach life with “no regrets.” In a study of 370 adult Americans who responded to these types of items (regret versus no regret), regret was strongly associated with increased anxiety and arousal (Roese et al, 2009). This partly explains why people avoid owning their regret, it can be anxiety producing. This is why Step 4 in 12 step groups (AA, NA, GA, etc), taking an inventory of our lives, is so difficult. Facing our own demons can be a daunting dilemma. Do I dig in or do I distract myself in the technology of today?
So, regret is accompanied with anxiety. And, an important facet of anxiety treatment is embracing anxiety in order to build tolerance. Embracing regret has that same effect, but it builds another valuable strength -- it builds wisdom.
People who have lived life know that there are psychological benefits of regret including learning from experience (Epstude & Roese, 2008). If you have 16 minutes, check out one of my favorite TED talks by Kathryn Schulz who gave a talk in November, 2011 titled Don’t regret regret.
Regret is often expressed as a desire to go back and change a past experience. I’ve talked with husbands who abused their wives, registered sex offenders, and 90 plus year olds who reflected on their many decades of life. Regret is a consistent aspect of life experience that is either owned with honesty or ignored and suppressed. Those who own it come across as authentic.
People with different types of anxiety reveal different types of regret. It is common for individuals with PTSD to have survivor guilt, and it is usually related to some form of regret. I’ll never forget talking to a man in his early 20’s whose fiancé died in his lap after they were hit by a semi truck. He had regret about his driving that he was convinced could have resulted in a different outcome. Or, a Vietnam Veteran tells his story of how his peer was shot by a sniper when he left his guard post to smoke a cigarette. Individuals struggling with social anxiety regret “not being the friendly one when I was in high school, reaching out to those who could be friends with me. My avoidance started a pattern.” Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder regret “not finding a way to manage my worries earlier.” These types of regret are real, rich, authentic, and meaningful life experience.
You have all heard it, “live life without regret.” The behavioral aspect of that phrase is true- don’t do something you will later regret. However, the cognitive aspect of “no regrets” gets de-emphasized. I say, embrace regret! Live a life with regret!
Epstude, K, & Roese, N. J. (2008). The functional theory of counterfactual thinking. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 12, 168-192.
Roese, N. J., Epstude, K., Fessel, F., Morrison, M., Smallman, R., Summerville, A., Galinsky, A. D., Segerstrom, S. (2009). Repetitive regret, depression, and anxiety: Findings from a nationally representative survey. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 6, 671-688.
