How Much Anxiety Do You Experience During Holiday Family Gatherings?
Is family time at holiday time a simultaneous experience of joy and anxiety in your life? If it is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Family time is often a unique experience of positive anticipation and warranted anxiety.
And, when I speak about “HOLIDAY ANXIETY,” I am not just referring to your nervous run to the oven to prevent the sweet potatoes from burning.
First, let’s acknowledge the obvious life stressors that affect many. These include (1) economic problems, (2) physical problems, (3) and family separation. First, unemployment continues to be a huge issue for many people. Unemployment benefit applications have decreased because many have stopped looking for jobs. Second, physical problems including Lupus, MS, GERD, Arthritis, back problems, fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, diverticulitis, etc; a number of problems cause limitations and impact mental health. What a burden it is for a father with back problems that he cannot get down onto the floor and play with his young children! Third, family separation is another issue that increases isolation and loneliness; families are spread out all over the country. It’s just as people say, “families aren’t close like they used to be.” All these problems seem to increase during the holiday season. And, holidays also serve as nice distractions from these life challenges. Each of these holiday anxieties would be too much to tackle on this blog. But, I wanted to mention some things that come up with people I talk to.
Let’s visit the notion of HOLIDAY ANXIETY:
· HOST nervousness: Are you among the thousands this weekend who are nervous hosts? Are you worried about having the best tasting food or the best looking house? You may have a performance anxiety that is based in wanting approval from your many guests and even thinking that you need to “make them happy.”
TIP: Your guests will be happy if they choose to be. Their happiness actually has nothing to do with your hosting. You can’t force someone to be happy. They choose that! As to the appearance of your home and the taste of the food you prepare, try to focus more on the relationships than the appearances.
· GIFT nervousness: Many families obsess about presents during Christmas. While great for capitalism and business, the materialism becomes an obsession. In a case study, even a five-year old can look at Target or Toy Store advertisements and report that it only makes them want more stuff. The five year can also report that if they put down the ads, they can stop wanting the stuff. Have you ever seen step-children in a difficult spot of liking one parent more than the other because parents compete for affection by gift giving?
TIP: Gifts don’t make us happy. Relationships do.
· SOCIAL nervousness: Others avoid their own anxiety or feelings of inadequacy through alcohol. It is not uncommon for alcohol abuse to elevate as a way to deal with Holiday Anxiety.
TIP: The quality of our lives is dependent on the quality of our relationships. Even though we may think alcohol will bring us closer, it actually doesn’t. Try passing on that extra drink and ask questions about those at your party. Most people love talking about themselves! Before your holiday party, think of at least 5 questions you could ask anyone at the party. Then you’ll be prepared for those awkward moments of silence! No alcohol needed. I dare you to try it!
BELOW, I have put together some tips for survivors dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during this season. My focus is on tips for family members who have loved ones with PTSD who are visiting.
A few tips for family members of PTSD Sufferers during this holiday season:
· PTSD Sufferers can suffer emotional breakdowns during this Christmas season for a number of reasons. Sexual abuse survivors may experience triggered memories because of all of the holidays that they experienced with the perpetrating family member. A veteran may remember members of their unit killed. For a variety of reasons, PTSD sufferers may have difficulty explaining their irritability or sadness. Family members may pick up on things and work hard to make the holiday special but feel disappointed (or, angry) because they can’t seem to cheer them up and “make them happy.”
TIP: Let your family member be free. You be comfortable with your emotions and let your family member have his or her emotions. Don’t control them.
· It is common for PTSD sufferers to have survivor guilt. The traumatic event that caused PTSD may involve others who did not live through it. It is common for your family member to wonder why he or she survived when others did not. Christmas (or Hanukkah) can increase these feelings as they are often accompanied by the better things of life – good food, family, children, and loving experiences. “Why do I get to experience this when others did not?”
TIP: Allow your family member to grieve in his or her own way and be respectful of that grief.
· Holidays and family functions can be overwhelming for a PTSD sufferer. They can feel uncomfortable. Large crowds can trigger flashbacks. Large types of clothes can heighten anxiety if the family member can’t do a clothes check for an attached bomb. Family members often work hard to include the person with PTSD with the mindset of “bringing them back into normal.” The problem is that “Normal” is not reality anymore for your brother who lost his fiancé three years ago.
TIP: Let him be if he doesn’t want to play cards. Don’t push your family member into participating. Ask once and respect their preference.
Is family time at holiday time a simultaneous experience of joy and anxiety in your life? If it is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Family time is often a unique experience of positive anticipation and warranted anxiety.
And, when I speak about “HOLIDAY ANXIETY,” I am not just referring to your nervous run to the oven to prevent the sweet potatoes from burning.
First, let’s acknowledge the obvious life stressors that affect many. These include (1) economic problems, (2) physical problems, (3) and family separation. First, unemployment continues to be a huge issue for many people. Unemployment benefit applications have decreased because many have stopped looking for jobs. Second, physical problems including Lupus, MS, GERD, Arthritis, back problems, fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, diverticulitis, etc; a number of problems cause limitations and impact mental health. What a burden it is for a father with back problems that he cannot get down onto the floor and play with his young children! Third, family separation is another issue that increases isolation and loneliness; families are spread out all over the country. It’s just as people say, “families aren’t close like they used to be.” All these problems seem to increase during the holiday season. And, holidays also serve as nice distractions from these life challenges. Each of these holiday anxieties would be too much to tackle on this blog. But, I wanted to mention some things that come up with people I talk to.
Let’s visit the notion of HOLIDAY ANXIETY:
· HOST nervousness: Are you among the thousands this weekend who are nervous hosts? Are you worried about having the best tasting food or the best looking house? You may have a performance anxiety that is based in wanting approval from your many guests and even thinking that you need to “make them happy.”
TIP: Your guests will be happy if they choose to be. Their happiness actually has nothing to do with your hosting. You can’t force someone to be happy. They choose that! As to the appearance of your home and the taste of the food you prepare, try to focus more on the relationships than the appearances.
· GIFT nervousness: Many families obsess about presents during Christmas. While great for capitalism and business, the materialism becomes an obsession. In a case study, even a five-year old can look at Target or Toy Store advertisements and report that it only makes them want more stuff. The five year can also report that if they put down the ads, they can stop wanting the stuff. Have you ever seen step-children in a difficult spot of liking one parent more than the other because parents compete for affection by gift giving?
TIP: Gifts don’t make us happy. Relationships do.
· SOCIAL nervousness: Others avoid their own anxiety or feelings of inadequacy through alcohol. It is not uncommon for alcohol abuse to elevate as a way to deal with Holiday Anxiety.
TIP: The quality of our lives is dependent on the quality of our relationships. Even though we may think alcohol will bring us closer, it actually doesn’t. Try passing on that extra drink and ask questions about those at your party. Most people love talking about themselves! Before your holiday party, think of at least 5 questions you could ask anyone at the party. Then you’ll be prepared for those awkward moments of silence! No alcohol needed. I dare you to try it!
BELOW, I have put together some tips for survivors dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during this season. My focus is on tips for family members who have loved ones with PTSD who are visiting.
A few tips for family members of PTSD Sufferers during this holiday season:
· PTSD Sufferers can suffer emotional breakdowns during this Christmas season for a number of reasons. Sexual abuse survivors may experience triggered memories because of all of the holidays that they experienced with the perpetrating family member. A veteran may remember members of their unit killed. For a variety of reasons, PTSD sufferers may have difficulty explaining their irritability or sadness. Family members may pick up on things and work hard to make the holiday special but feel disappointed (or, angry) because they can’t seem to cheer them up and “make them happy.”
TIP: Let your family member be free. You be comfortable with your emotions and let your family member have his or her emotions. Don’t control them.
· It is common for PTSD sufferers to have survivor guilt. The traumatic event that caused PTSD may involve others who did not live through it. It is common for your family member to wonder why he or she survived when others did not. Christmas (or Hanukkah) can increase these feelings as they are often accompanied by the better things of life – good food, family, children, and loving experiences. “Why do I get to experience this when others did not?”
TIP: Allow your family member to grieve in his or her own way and be respectful of that grief.
· Holidays and family functions can be overwhelming for a PTSD sufferer. They can feel uncomfortable. Large crowds can trigger flashbacks. Large types of clothes can heighten anxiety if the family member can’t do a clothes check for an attached bomb. Family members often work hard to include the person with PTSD with the mindset of “bringing them back into normal.” The problem is that “Normal” is not reality anymore for your brother who lost his fiancé three years ago.
TIP: Let him be if he doesn’t want to play cards. Don’t push your family member into participating. Ask once and respect their preference.