Triggers come in all sounds, smells and situations. Fireworks elicit anxiety in Combat Veterans with combat and war trauma. An increased heart rate can be an internal trigger for panic for individuals with panic disorder. A splashing sound can bring back anxiety-ridden flashbacks for a mother whose child had drowned in a pool. I recently talked with a man who has lived with the feelings and memories of being gang raped when he was 15 years old. Those memories are riddled with all kinds of triggers. From his perspective, there hasn’t been enough alcohol for the last 30 years.
Besides the WOW factor (and hopefully, a large dose of compassion), these stories can be easily distanced from you if they are unrelated to your life. But, there is a question common for all of us. What are the triggers in your life? Many refer to triggers that elicit anxiety, but it could be disappointment, guilt, or fear [which is present-centered as opposed to anxiety which is future-oriented].
Recognizing what makes you anxious is half the battle. The other half [and the most difficult] is to not avoid those situations. In short, EXPOSURE!
I was talking with my wife recently about the importance of me developing an intimate attachment with our children. We were remembering that when our children were younger, I would encourage my wife to allow me to comfort them in distress—even though we both knew the crying would last longer than if she comforted them.
Because the mother is often the primary attachment, infants often prefer the comfort of their mothers. New families can quickly settle into the pattern of the father, at the first sign of the child’s distress, handing the child off to the mother. Once this pattern is established, variation from the pattern causes high levels of anxiety for everyone! The mom is distressed by the fact that she is not comforting the crying infant, the father is distressed that the infant is not immediately responding to his comfort, and the child is distressed at not being comforted by the mom. In an effort to avoid this anxiety, the father always hands off the child, and the child is never able to experience the comfort of the father. Many fail to realize that this cycle curtails the father’s skills at caretaking and more importantly, delays the attachment with his child.
I grew up around the game of basketball and players who didn’t pass were referred to as ball hogs. Mothers are often ball hogs and fathers defer too much.
The only way the child will ever experience the father’s comfort is for the family to be EXPOSED to the dreaded feelings of anxiety. Instead of avoiding the anxiety, the family can experience the anxiety—knowing that it will eventually reduce and that the short-term discomfort will lead to a long-term healthy father/child attachment.
Avoidance negatively reinforces anxiety. It removes the anxiety temporarily until a similar situation arises. Next time, anxiety is a little higher. It is not uncommon for a Veteran to park their car at a VA Hospital on their very first visit and eventually pull away without going in. Consider a student missing class with flu-like symptoms when it is their turn to give their very first speech. College students with social anxiety often avoid a group of acquaintances at college. Even an employee may nervously avoid his or her boss. In each of these moments, temporary relief made it more difficult the next time.
Remember the famous adage, “No Pain, No Gain!”
Step #1 is identifying your trigger list. This will take some reflection. What triggers anxiety in me? What am I avoiding?
Stay tuned for part #2 on how to stop avoiding.
Besides the WOW factor (and hopefully, a large dose of compassion), these stories can be easily distanced from you if they are unrelated to your life. But, there is a question common for all of us. What are the triggers in your life? Many refer to triggers that elicit anxiety, but it could be disappointment, guilt, or fear [which is present-centered as opposed to anxiety which is future-oriented].
Recognizing what makes you anxious is half the battle. The other half [and the most difficult] is to not avoid those situations. In short, EXPOSURE!
I was talking with my wife recently about the importance of me developing an intimate attachment with our children. We were remembering that when our children were younger, I would encourage my wife to allow me to comfort them in distress—even though we both knew the crying would last longer than if she comforted them.
Because the mother is often the primary attachment, infants often prefer the comfort of their mothers. New families can quickly settle into the pattern of the father, at the first sign of the child’s distress, handing the child off to the mother. Once this pattern is established, variation from the pattern causes high levels of anxiety for everyone! The mom is distressed by the fact that she is not comforting the crying infant, the father is distressed that the infant is not immediately responding to his comfort, and the child is distressed at not being comforted by the mom. In an effort to avoid this anxiety, the father always hands off the child, and the child is never able to experience the comfort of the father. Many fail to realize that this cycle curtails the father’s skills at caretaking and more importantly, delays the attachment with his child.
I grew up around the game of basketball and players who didn’t pass were referred to as ball hogs. Mothers are often ball hogs and fathers defer too much.
The only way the child will ever experience the father’s comfort is for the family to be EXPOSED to the dreaded feelings of anxiety. Instead of avoiding the anxiety, the family can experience the anxiety—knowing that it will eventually reduce and that the short-term discomfort will lead to a long-term healthy father/child attachment.
Avoidance negatively reinforces anxiety. It removes the anxiety temporarily until a similar situation arises. Next time, anxiety is a little higher. It is not uncommon for a Veteran to park their car at a VA Hospital on their very first visit and eventually pull away without going in. Consider a student missing class with flu-like symptoms when it is their turn to give their very first speech. College students with social anxiety often avoid a group of acquaintances at college. Even an employee may nervously avoid his or her boss. In each of these moments, temporary relief made it more difficult the next time.
Remember the famous adage, “No Pain, No Gain!”
Step #1 is identifying your trigger list. This will take some reflection. What triggers anxiety in me? What am I avoiding?
Stay tuned for part #2 on how to stop avoiding.
