This week’s parenting advice is titled Never Quit. We’ve all met those teenagers wandering around jumping from organization to organization, club to club, sport to sport… They appear open to variety, new ideas, and come across as flexible. At the same time, they lack persistence and commitment.
I have talked with several families just this year about the issue of their child quitting in the middle of a sports event – a male tween quitting during a tennis match or a young boy walking off the baseball field yelling “I quit” at his coach. Before I list my 5 key “Never Quit” interventions, I want to mention that these should not necessarily be used if the child quits because of significant performance anxiety.
If your child experiences performance anxiety, obtaining support from a psychologist with experience with sports psychology and performance anxiety is definitely recommended. Some of the key interventions and discussion points discussed in therapy include: relaxation training and applying relaxation and meditation at the performance window (that period of time when anxiety elevates), visual imagery, tolerance of uncertainty, embracing the fun while letting go of the outcome, and returning to the LOVE of the game. A great resource for sports parents who need to help their children embrace the Love of the game and the fun of the game is John Tauer’s new book Why Less Is More for WOSPs (Well-Intentioned, Overinvolved Sports Parents): How to Be the Best Sports Parent You can Be.
For the purposes of this podcast (this writing), I want to identify 5 Key “Never Quit” interventions that you can apply to parenting. If the issue is not anxiety related but rather behaviorally related, these apply. And, of course, there may be some overlap between the anxiety and the behavior. In other words, when your child calls dad “a cheater” on a normal basketball box out (and there isn’t confusion on the game’s rules), fear of losing and not being good enough may be an issue.
Advice to PARENTS
#1 Establish some principles in your family. Some families have a Mission Statement. This is who we are. Some say a pledge on a weekly or daily basis. Have one of the principles be: To Never Quit in the middle of a game/activity.
Of course, this is not to say that we never transition from one activity to another. We should teach our children how to make reflective decisions on when to end involvement in one activity and start involvement in another. What I am referring to is to never walk away in the middle of a game that they have already started. The goal is to be a great teammate. This isn’t just being a team member of an organized sport. This applies to backyard football or a chess game during the holiday season. Never Quit when playing chess with Grandpa. NEVER QUIT is a central life principle in the family. And this is communicated on a regular basis.
#2 If a child does quit in the middle of a game or family activity, this is addressed with complete dedication. Quitting is fully addressed with the child. If a child quits the family wiffleball game, parents do not let this slide like sweeping it under the rug.
Implement the 3 R’s
But, implement a full blitz of how quitting is unacceptable behavior. Address this quitting behavior completely, thoroughly, and specifically. Take the kid for a walk and talk. Use story telling of kids who gave up versus those who bounce back, show resilience, and never give up. Kids love story telling, especially when this is one on one time with Mom or Dad. Quitting is unacceptable. “Never give up!!!!!” Show them the video of Kerri Strug performing the vault at the 1996 summer Olympics with a severely sprained ankle. Show them the video of Stuart Scott of ESPN battling cancer. Beyond inspiration, specific communication is needed. Communicate to the child that all privileges are withheld until this situation is made right. No video games, no treats, no TV, no music, no star wars toys, etc. How is it made right?
Go back out and finish the game. Expect the right attitude without quiting. This is how it is made right.
If Grandpa is gone, and the holidays are over, have the child write a letter apologizing for quitting. Include why he won’t quit a game again and why.
Using creativity to make the quitting right. Making amends is an honored tradition in our culture and one that is absolutely needed in families.
#3 Teach the child to value failing and losing. Your child may be super competitive and a great athlete. They may be perfectionistic or academically competitive. All of these attributes will serve their success. But, strangely, some kids give up after they fail the first time. Their environment was coddled in such a way that they never learned how to lose or fail. Some children end up with narrow interests in life due to fear of failure. We are not talking about people who avoid bungy jumping or sky diving; we are talking about about those individuals who have limited interests because they are afraid of making mistakes.
One of the definitions of optimism is seeing problems as temporary, not permanent; failures should be viewed as temporary. But, they should be valued as temporary learning opportunities.
Learning to value failure is important. And, kids often quit due to failure.
ENGAGE IN CONVERATIONS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF FAILURE IN LIFE. What are the advantages of failuring? Coming up short? Losing? Great coaches who teach more than just the fundamentals of the game and help their teams win games teach about life principles. And these coaches will say something like “it is better to lose well, than win poorly.”
#4 Reinforce Persistance
#5 Have family dinners and discuss persistence
A great prediction of a healthy family is family dinners
And, on a weekly basis Discuss
No quitting
Never giving up
Persistence
Use story telling
And Always - Facilitate opportunities for processing family issues in screen free zones; reinforce persistence in family discussions.
I have talked with several families just this year about the issue of their child quitting in the middle of a sports event – a male tween quitting during a tennis match or a young boy walking off the baseball field yelling “I quit” at his coach. Before I list my 5 key “Never Quit” interventions, I want to mention that these should not necessarily be used if the child quits because of significant performance anxiety.
If your child experiences performance anxiety, obtaining support from a psychologist with experience with sports psychology and performance anxiety is definitely recommended. Some of the key interventions and discussion points discussed in therapy include: relaxation training and applying relaxation and meditation at the performance window (that period of time when anxiety elevates), visual imagery, tolerance of uncertainty, embracing the fun while letting go of the outcome, and returning to the LOVE of the game. A great resource for sports parents who need to help their children embrace the Love of the game and the fun of the game is John Tauer’s new book Why Less Is More for WOSPs (Well-Intentioned, Overinvolved Sports Parents): How to Be the Best Sports Parent You can Be.
For the purposes of this podcast (this writing), I want to identify 5 Key “Never Quit” interventions that you can apply to parenting. If the issue is not anxiety related but rather behaviorally related, these apply. And, of course, there may be some overlap between the anxiety and the behavior. In other words, when your child calls dad “a cheater” on a normal basketball box out (and there isn’t confusion on the game’s rules), fear of losing and not being good enough may be an issue.
Advice to PARENTS
#1 Establish some principles in your family. Some families have a Mission Statement. This is who we are. Some say a pledge on a weekly or daily basis. Have one of the principles be: To Never Quit in the middle of a game/activity.
Of course, this is not to say that we never transition from one activity to another. We should teach our children how to make reflective decisions on when to end involvement in one activity and start involvement in another. What I am referring to is to never walk away in the middle of a game that they have already started. The goal is to be a great teammate. This isn’t just being a team member of an organized sport. This applies to backyard football or a chess game during the holiday season. Never Quit when playing chess with Grandpa. NEVER QUIT is a central life principle in the family. And this is communicated on a regular basis.
#2 If a child does quit in the middle of a game or family activity, this is addressed with complete dedication. Quitting is fully addressed with the child. If a child quits the family wiffleball game, parents do not let this slide like sweeping it under the rug.
Implement the 3 R’s
- Respond, don’t react.
- Stay relaxed, without getting angry.
- Stay respectful, don’t be shameful.
But, implement a full blitz of how quitting is unacceptable behavior. Address this quitting behavior completely, thoroughly, and specifically. Take the kid for a walk and talk. Use story telling of kids who gave up versus those who bounce back, show resilience, and never give up. Kids love story telling, especially when this is one on one time with Mom or Dad. Quitting is unacceptable. “Never give up!!!!!” Show them the video of Kerri Strug performing the vault at the 1996 summer Olympics with a severely sprained ankle. Show them the video of Stuart Scott of ESPN battling cancer. Beyond inspiration, specific communication is needed. Communicate to the child that all privileges are withheld until this situation is made right. No video games, no treats, no TV, no music, no star wars toys, etc. How is it made right?
Go back out and finish the game. Expect the right attitude without quiting. This is how it is made right.
If Grandpa is gone, and the holidays are over, have the child write a letter apologizing for quitting. Include why he won’t quit a game again and why.
Using creativity to make the quitting right. Making amends is an honored tradition in our culture and one that is absolutely needed in families.
#3 Teach the child to value failing and losing. Your child may be super competitive and a great athlete. They may be perfectionistic or academically competitive. All of these attributes will serve their success. But, strangely, some kids give up after they fail the first time. Their environment was coddled in such a way that they never learned how to lose or fail. Some children end up with narrow interests in life due to fear of failure. We are not talking about people who avoid bungy jumping or sky diving; we are talking about about those individuals who have limited interests because they are afraid of making mistakes.
One of the definitions of optimism is seeing problems as temporary, not permanent; failures should be viewed as temporary. But, they should be valued as temporary learning opportunities.
Learning to value failure is important. And, kids often quit due to failure.
ENGAGE IN CONVERATIONS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF FAILURE IN LIFE. What are the advantages of failuring? Coming up short? Losing? Great coaches who teach more than just the fundamentals of the game and help their teams win games teach about life principles. And these coaches will say something like “it is better to lose well, than win poorly.”
#4 Reinforce Persistance
- If it’s worthwhile, it requires hard work.
- Nothing worthwhile is easy to accomplish.
- The opposite of quitting is persistence. It is particularly difficult to persist in the face of set backs. But, when kids learn early the value to not giving up despite hardship, it sets them up to succeed at anything they do.
- Research is showing that IQ can improve in a good environment. More than IQ, is the ability to persist, a key factor in EQ – emotional quotient.
- Parents can use story telling as a way to teach about persistence.
- Parents can honor children on their birthdays by discussing moments of persistence.
- Parents should praise persistence more than outcomes. “I like how you didn’t give up on that one.”
#5 Have family dinners and discuss persistence
A great prediction of a healthy family is family dinners
And, on a weekly basis Discuss
No quitting
Never giving up
Persistence
Use story telling
And Always - Facilitate opportunities for processing family issues in screen free zones; reinforce persistence in family discussions.
