We need COGNITIVE FLEXBILITY during the holidays.
This is defined as our ability to disengage from one task and respond to another, or think about multiple concepts at the same time. When we show cognitive flexibility, we are able to learn more quickly, solve problems more creatively, and adapt and respond to new situations more effectively. So, we are engaging in one task; then we need to adjust and immediately engage in another task. We may disengage, then engage, disengage, then re-engage. The Holidays often take us out of our comfortable routines. Cognitive flexibility can help us be adaptable during this time of change, and help us GO WITH THE FLOW. Cognitive flexibility will help us not get sucked into Uncle Bill’s political comments or your mother in-law’s complaints about your cooking. “So, when are you guys going to have a baby?” Your answer to this type of intrusive question is cognitive flexibility.
During the Holidays, you can count on many challenges coming our way. But, let’s look at the many examples of the small challenges that come our way on any given day. Of course, there are large challenges that are major stressors in life – loss of job or worse, major injury, cancer, or loss of life. And, holiday time is a sad time for some of us as we remember loved ones who have passed away.
Let’s look at the small challenges, which in the whole scheme of things, are really mere inconveniences. Yes, in family life, there are many inconveniences. Think of all of the inconveniences that occur in a typical day in a family – spilled milk, toys all over the house, a missing remote or Ipad, toys left out in the rain, balls bouncing in the house, shoes left by the front door that you trip over, dirty clothes put back in drawers or left out of the hamper, misplaced keys or a purse, a Christmas ornament broken, glass bowl with cereal milk falls breaking on the floor when trying to leave for school, computer crashing, wifi failing during an important download, and the almost house trained puppy going in the house. How often do people get angry with a slow computer, or what seems like needing new brake pads again on your car; or how about the frustration that comes from a jammed copy machine, traffic jams, or a car that won’t start? Think about all of those repetitive, routine, and mundane tasks that are an inherent part of family living—vacuuming, toilet cleaning, dusting, garbage, mowing the lawn, dirty diapers, dirty dishes, dirty bathrooms, etc.? Mere inconveniences. These inconveniences elevate our frustration if we let it. These inconveniences distract us if we let it. These inconveniences can cause us to explode if we let it. Going With The Flow isn't always our instinct at the beginning of an inconvenience.
The answer is cognitive flexibility.
Now, let’s talk about Holiday issues! The following are common beliefs:
“I can’t get it all done.”
“This is way too much.” How many of us struggle with “too many gifts” or “not enough gifts for the kids?”
“I can’t stand my family.” This is definitely a big one. But, yes, no matter how much you love your family, there are things that bother you. There are triggers from family of origin issues. Every one of us bring family baggage into our new family.
I had a teenager client who commented, “Mom is so different at family reunions.”
“I’m exhausted.”
This is true. Think about it. One of the things we know about research is that stress has a delayed effect. Let’s take a moment and consider a train coming to a stop. There are many variables that causes it to delay in its stop. Stopping distance may vary for three locomotives with 52 cars behind, depending on loading percentage of each car. An engineer hitting the emergency brake leading to pressure in the cylinders going from 90 psi to zero, is going to have a delayed effect with each car. Think about you during holiday season. It takes a long time for the train to stop. It takes a long time for you to stop. You are exhausted. Another great illustration of this principle is a student that gets a cold following a stressful week of final exams. The body has experienced a culmination of stress over the previous semester, and crashes when it’s finally allowed.
Lots of kids are growing up in divorced homes. Lots of families around my current city have situations where kids are growing up with two residences. Sometimes people use the phrase “good divorce.” This is debatable! For a great resource on the effects of divorce on kids (which by the way, there aren’t many books out there on it. See Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt). Kids growing up with two homes are constantly trying to make sense of the differences between two worlds. This has always been the most difficult thing about divorce. No matter what good comes out of divorce, the biggest remaining challenge is making sense out of two greatly differing worlds. In my personal experience, I have a sister and three step brothers, and while they are tremendous blessings in my life, cohesively integrating two lives was an enduring challenge. Kids growing up have split understanding. After a divorce, the task that once belonged to the parents, to make sense of kids’ different worlds – now becomes the child’s. The grown ups can no longer manage the challenge, so the child is asked to try.
Parents who grew up with a divorce background and now see their children experiencing similarities recognize the pain and the split experiences. These complex issues add to the holiday blues. They add to the inconveniences. They add to the spiral of anxiety that accompanies stress management. Now, consider your train coming to a stop and you are dropping the kids off at the ex and your heart hurts with pain.
With all of these situations coming up as we celebrate the holidays, it’s important to come back to our primary behavioral health recommendations. Our Big 3 health recommendations include getting exercise, consuming adequate nutrition, and maintaining adequate sleep.
Big 3 Health recommendations
1. Exercise
2. Nutrition
3. Sleep
Recommendations on the Use of Cognitive Flexibility
In addition to the Big 3, know in advance that flow is needed. Tell yourself to embrace being inconvenienced. Sounds crazy, huh? It actually gives us a psychological advantage. Changing “shoulds” to preferences, and using mantras like “I have the adaptability to flexibly transition despite stress” and “I can adapt” are powerful shifts in thinking that can reduce stress, and increase joy this Holiday.
Embrace Holiday Flow
Take time to engage in rituals and traditions. Teach kids mindful eating. Take time to embrace the present. Do what you can to not rush. Be in the moment. Notice by using your senses, things you see, touch, smell, and hear. Be intentional about what you do. Teach the kids to be present and not rip presents open, but rather to enjoy the moment. Some children have gift anxiety – you know those kids who unwrap everything as fast as they can because of anticipatory anxiety. Some parents will say “that's just who they are.” No, that’s not who they are. The solution to this anxiety is slowing down. Parents can replace this urge and anxiety with enjoyment and slow-down satisfaction. And this is a good metaphor for us all – to embrace the present.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Dr. Daniel van Ingen
This is defined as our ability to disengage from one task and respond to another, or think about multiple concepts at the same time. When we show cognitive flexibility, we are able to learn more quickly, solve problems more creatively, and adapt and respond to new situations more effectively. So, we are engaging in one task; then we need to adjust and immediately engage in another task. We may disengage, then engage, disengage, then re-engage. The Holidays often take us out of our comfortable routines. Cognitive flexibility can help us be adaptable during this time of change, and help us GO WITH THE FLOW. Cognitive flexibility will help us not get sucked into Uncle Bill’s political comments or your mother in-law’s complaints about your cooking. “So, when are you guys going to have a baby?” Your answer to this type of intrusive question is cognitive flexibility.
During the Holidays, you can count on many challenges coming our way. But, let’s look at the many examples of the small challenges that come our way on any given day. Of course, there are large challenges that are major stressors in life – loss of job or worse, major injury, cancer, or loss of life. And, holiday time is a sad time for some of us as we remember loved ones who have passed away.
Let’s look at the small challenges, which in the whole scheme of things, are really mere inconveniences. Yes, in family life, there are many inconveniences. Think of all of the inconveniences that occur in a typical day in a family – spilled milk, toys all over the house, a missing remote or Ipad, toys left out in the rain, balls bouncing in the house, shoes left by the front door that you trip over, dirty clothes put back in drawers or left out of the hamper, misplaced keys or a purse, a Christmas ornament broken, glass bowl with cereal milk falls breaking on the floor when trying to leave for school, computer crashing, wifi failing during an important download, and the almost house trained puppy going in the house. How often do people get angry with a slow computer, or what seems like needing new brake pads again on your car; or how about the frustration that comes from a jammed copy machine, traffic jams, or a car that won’t start? Think about all of those repetitive, routine, and mundane tasks that are an inherent part of family living—vacuuming, toilet cleaning, dusting, garbage, mowing the lawn, dirty diapers, dirty dishes, dirty bathrooms, etc.? Mere inconveniences. These inconveniences elevate our frustration if we let it. These inconveniences distract us if we let it. These inconveniences can cause us to explode if we let it. Going With The Flow isn't always our instinct at the beginning of an inconvenience.
The answer is cognitive flexibility.
Now, let’s talk about Holiday issues! The following are common beliefs:
“I can’t get it all done.”
“This is way too much.” How many of us struggle with “too many gifts” or “not enough gifts for the kids?”
“I can’t stand my family.” This is definitely a big one. But, yes, no matter how much you love your family, there are things that bother you. There are triggers from family of origin issues. Every one of us bring family baggage into our new family.
I had a teenager client who commented, “Mom is so different at family reunions.”
“I’m exhausted.”
This is true. Think about it. One of the things we know about research is that stress has a delayed effect. Let’s take a moment and consider a train coming to a stop. There are many variables that causes it to delay in its stop. Stopping distance may vary for three locomotives with 52 cars behind, depending on loading percentage of each car. An engineer hitting the emergency brake leading to pressure in the cylinders going from 90 psi to zero, is going to have a delayed effect with each car. Think about you during holiday season. It takes a long time for the train to stop. It takes a long time for you to stop. You are exhausted. Another great illustration of this principle is a student that gets a cold following a stressful week of final exams. The body has experienced a culmination of stress over the previous semester, and crashes when it’s finally allowed.
Lots of kids are growing up in divorced homes. Lots of families around my current city have situations where kids are growing up with two residences. Sometimes people use the phrase “good divorce.” This is debatable! For a great resource on the effects of divorce on kids (which by the way, there aren’t many books out there on it. See Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt). Kids growing up with two homes are constantly trying to make sense of the differences between two worlds. This has always been the most difficult thing about divorce. No matter what good comes out of divorce, the biggest remaining challenge is making sense out of two greatly differing worlds. In my personal experience, I have a sister and three step brothers, and while they are tremendous blessings in my life, cohesively integrating two lives was an enduring challenge. Kids growing up have split understanding. After a divorce, the task that once belonged to the parents, to make sense of kids’ different worlds – now becomes the child’s. The grown ups can no longer manage the challenge, so the child is asked to try.
Parents who grew up with a divorce background and now see their children experiencing similarities recognize the pain and the split experiences. These complex issues add to the holiday blues. They add to the inconveniences. They add to the spiral of anxiety that accompanies stress management. Now, consider your train coming to a stop and you are dropping the kids off at the ex and your heart hurts with pain.
With all of these situations coming up as we celebrate the holidays, it’s important to come back to our primary behavioral health recommendations. Our Big 3 health recommendations include getting exercise, consuming adequate nutrition, and maintaining adequate sleep.
Big 3 Health recommendations
1. Exercise
2. Nutrition
3. Sleep
Recommendations on the Use of Cognitive Flexibility
In addition to the Big 3, know in advance that flow is needed. Tell yourself to embrace being inconvenienced. Sounds crazy, huh? It actually gives us a psychological advantage. Changing “shoulds” to preferences, and using mantras like “I have the adaptability to flexibly transition despite stress” and “I can adapt” are powerful shifts in thinking that can reduce stress, and increase joy this Holiday.
Embrace Holiday Flow
Take time to engage in rituals and traditions. Teach kids mindful eating. Take time to embrace the present. Do what you can to not rush. Be in the moment. Notice by using your senses, things you see, touch, smell, and hear. Be intentional about what you do. Teach the kids to be present and not rip presents open, but rather to enjoy the moment. Some children have gift anxiety – you know those kids who unwrap everything as fast as they can because of anticipatory anxiety. Some parents will say “that's just who they are.” No, that’s not who they are. The solution to this anxiety is slowing down. Parents can replace this urge and anxiety with enjoyment and slow-down satisfaction. And this is a good metaphor for us all – to embrace the present.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Dr. Daniel van Ingen
